Of the few things I feel I have begun to learn in the last year, one of the most profound to me has been this: It is ok to suffer. It ok to be in the midst of pain and hurt and to simply sit under it. I (and you) do not have to push the everything is fine appearance all the time. I have discovered that covering up pain and burying it can be altogether much more detrimental to my soul in the long run. And because of this, I must not only accept pain, but in some way embrace it.

If a photograph could speak, then the photograph above would tell you a story of rest. It would tell you a story of a girl who is trying to find her place in the world, both geographically and emotionally. It would speak of the coffee that previously occupied it, and it would tell you that the coffee sends its regards. It would speak with eloquence a story of a boy who set his camera down for a few days.

If a photograph could proclaim, it would speak a story of a boy who is the midst of a lot of change that is both exciting and daunting in the same breath. A boy who wonders who he is in regards to God and others. A boy without a home for the time being, but not without provision. A boy that is admittedly afraid of a lot of things, though he is calm on the outside.

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Thank you so much, Johnny and Jamie, for your incredible hospitality. Giving up your apartment for a few days was not necessary but very greatly appreciated. Jess and I rested and had coffee every morning. It was wonderful. Thank you.

——————————————

It’s time to end this journey and begin another one altogether.

If you play with explosives in December, you’re crazy.

If you play with explosives in July, you’re an American.

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4 Films I’ve Recently Loved
-Born Into Brothels (2005) (I saw this last night and really, really enjoyed it.)
-Stranger Than Fiction (2006)
-Chungking Express (1994)
-Yukon Passage (1998)

4 Flickr Photographers That Inspire
-Esther Havens
-h.nguyen
-j.fralin
-travelator

4 Albums In Current Rotation
-Easy Tiger - Ryan Adams
-Dumb Luck - Dntel
-Nothing’s Lost - Styrofoam
-Green Tour EP - The Album Leaf

4 Websites I Frequent
-Shawn Blanc.net (Happy Birfday, Shawn.)
-The Big Noob
-Burnside Writers Collective
-Paul Wilkes

4 Desktop Wallpapers I’m Using Which You Can Use As Well If You Like. No Pressure.

4 VIRBºians I Admire
-Ryan Simmelink
-What Is Clarity
-Paper Route
-Dot+Cross

This was uncalled for…

85 total packs of Polaroids sent from all over the U.S. and even as far as Glasgow, Scotland (really good hustle on your part, Glasgow). Arizona made a surprising stand by sending the most total packs. One fine gentleman from New Jersey sent in 10 packs on his own (again, good hustle Dylan). Overall I am completely thrilled. I really expected to get at the most 10 packs total. It’s one thing to take a picture of yourself with the words I Am The Church scribbled on your hand. It’s completely different to go out and buy packs and packs of Polaroids, put them in an envelope, and send them to some guy you’ve never met in Indiana.

You people are really, really odd.

Nonetheless, I am grateful. I will do my very best to give as many kids Polaroids as possible. I really didn’t expect to have 850 Polaroids at my disposal. As I’m sure you know, I don’t want to orient my entire time there in taking Polaroids and forsaking everything else. But I do promise you that I’ll give away as many as I can and I will come through on my end of the deal of mailing you Polaroids of those kids upon my return. I hope you understand.

So I leave from Fort Wayne to Detroit, from Detroit to Amsterdam, from Amsterdam to Kenya, and then drive from Nairobi, Kenya to Uganda. It’s going to be a long day. I’m pretty sure I won’t have internet access (nor do I really want it) while I’m gone, but when I return I will start posting stories and photos.

Lastly, I got tagged by John who was tagged by Zach. Therefore I have created for you a travel mixtape.

1. scan through your itunes or cd library. refamiliarize yourself with the nooks and crannies of your musical options.
2. identify five categories — genres, if you will — of music. these should be as obscure and finely-articulated as you’d like. feel free to use modifiers liberally.
3. nominate — select, really — a “perfect song” for each category. include a link for each song to something (the amazon page for the CD, or the artist’s website, or whatever). you may find it easier, as i did, to find “perfect songs”, and craft categories or genres around them.
4. ideally, some of the songs will be nominally obscure, or, at least, not completely mainstream and overplayed. no need to tell us all about songs we all know!

So…let’s get on with it. I give you the perfect song for…

…walking through an airport knowing that you have no clue what is ahead of you: Mushaboom by Feist

…being single and knowing that you have no clue what is ahead of you: Teen Angst by M83

…falling alseep in another country with a mosquito net around you to protect you from malaria but not caring at all because adventure awaits around every corner: Over the Pond by The Album Leaf

…walking through a market and trying to buy a leather bracelet but not speaking their language: Piano by Aphex Twin

…trying to convey your thoughts with pen and paper after having your heart torn open by orphans who have real needs: Rewrite by Sia.

Tag Andy. You’re it.

Enjoy your week. I hope to enjoy mine.

i don’t want to do it.

no. no. i won’t. it’s too hard and it’s not worth it. no.

it’s so much easier to live as though my life were my own. to live as though i am responsible to myself and to no one else.

i am an island.

there’s a really hard balance to find in regards to how open one should be with others, or so it appears. there’s no manual or guidebook (oh how i love guidebooks) that explains the intricacies of relational living, both romantic and communal. how much of my heart should i give? how vulnerable should i be? can there be too much? too little? and everyone takes vulnerability differently. with one person you can be completely open and with the next, if you were to share the same words, they would push you away.

females.

i just type that word in this context and automatically things come to your mind. if you’re a male then you probably go back to a relationship that required immense communication, and along those lines, your lack of communication was hurtful or conversely your forthrightness wasn’t reciprocated. maybe your mind races to a very specific situation of honesty which took your relationship to a deeper intimacy.

if you’re a female then maybe you think to your closest friends with whom you try disparately to move more deeply with, but it’s simply not going that direction, but you need it now more than ever. or maybe you have very fond thoughts of the woman/women in your life who pour into you and into whom you pour. maybe that’s all you long for.

in this season of my life, these ideas are more accurately described within the context of community. i’m single. 23. a pastor of sorts. i have a stronger need for community than ever before in my life.

i have these friends. i love them. i meet with them throughout the week, but specifically on tuesday nights. there are about 12 of us. lots of kids under the age of little. single moms. young couples. single men. some believers farther along the path than others. lots of people, oddly (or maybe not) without a parent or parents. we get together around 6, eat a meal together (for which i have provided eggnog for the last 4 weeks straight. it’s christmas in a cup), pray for an extended period of time, sometimes sing, and then typically we discuss some idea(s) presented from the scriptures. it’s life giving. it’s not always easy, but it’s always good.

but this isn’t the most intense part for me.

on monday mornings, before the sun has even considered hitting the snooze button, about 7 or so guys gather to pray and drink good coffee. some discussion makes its way in there at times, but for the most part we pray.

the other morning as we were praying someone started to confess to God (and to us) some things in his life that were not of the ways of God. he was honest, both to God and us. it had to hurt. it always hurts to admit fault, especially in an authentic way. it’s one thing to be vague about everything, and it’s completely different to be detailed. to me, confession is looking in a mirror, except all your faults are magnified and people are watching. sometimes they see themselves in your mirror, but you can’t see that. and you can’t fool a mirror, either. you can’t make the mirror think you’re something you’re not.

then another guy began the same process. and another. the whole time i’m thinking no. no. i’m not going to do it. i’m fine. i’m fine. right? right. yes. fine.

of course i’m not fine.

and i knew i had to confess things to my God and to my friends. i have this feeling that God deeply values honesty in His spirit. i get that when i read the scriptures, especially books like psalms and ecclesiastes. really true writing. not a lot of sugar coated, put your smile on for church sort of writing.

confession is so healing. it doesn’t make sense to me because when you confess you are weak. you are low. you’re telling God and friends that you’re messed up, and you can’t do that with pride. confession is weakness.

God thrives on weakness. He says that He is strong in our weakness, and therefore i think that God wants us to be weak. dependent. needful of Him. this kingdom is so upside down. so reversed.

so i’m not an island. i’m not alone. i’ve realized over the past few years that i am responsible for my brothers and sisters, that how healthy my life is directly relates to the health of my friends. if i am bottling everything in and not being dependent on them and on God, then they can’t benefit from the things i am learning and struggling through, and vice versa.

so i hope that you, friend, embrace the weakness. embrace the smallness. i hope that you can openly be honest with someone and admit failure to them and to God so that you may grow together. i hope you can confess your wrongs against others and ask for forgiveness as you have been forgiven. as i have been forgiven. i hope that you can see that God is an honest and vulnerable God longing for relationship, with all of our victories and all of all failures. and i hope that you can see the grace that allows each breath to be breathed and each day to be lived to its fullest.

*ring

“hey son.”

“hey dad. what’s up?”

“i saw on your site that you tied your sandals to your honda.”

“i did.”

“wow.”

“how proud are you of me right now?”

“wow.”

“hi. i’m your son! i’m surprised we haven’t met yet.”

i am not typically one to be driven by convenience and comfort, but there are a few simple things i enjoy greatly in life:

one| polaroids
two| those delicious little sugary donuts at asian buffets
three| any art gallery
four| my canon ae-1 program
five| man vs. wild on the discovery channel
six| chacos and rainbows
seven| chipotle
eight| happiness
nine| zach braff films
ten| traveling and how to not get deported
eleven| sleeping outside
twelve| running
thirteen| hondas and the art of naming one’s vehicle
fourteen| mcgriddles
fifteen| bill murray, in general
sixteen| anne lamott
seventeen| new/old thoughts
eighteen| this american life
nineteen| macs
twenty| holgas
twenty-one| xm radio
twenty-two| pipes
twenty-three| mountain hardwear
twenty-four| jones soda
twenty-five| going on dates and not making a fool of myself

about 6 or so years ago i bought a pair of rainbow sandals for about $45. it was a salty purchase, but it turned out to be worth it in the end. those sandals are amazing. i traveled all over the world with them and they never let me down. when i bought them i figured that they would probably last me a year, but oh how i was wrong.

and then recently…tragedy.

i was walking along a river bank when i slipped on some mud, fell on my face, and ended up breaking one of the straps on my sandals. i wanted to cry, but the 7 and 8 year olds that were around me would have laughed, and that would have made me cry more, and they would have laughed more, and the endless cycle would have continued.

i mourned the loss of my sandals, but there was no way that i could throw them away. you just don’t do that to something that would walk (puns!) with you through all of those travels good days and bad days and girls who broke your heart mercilessly (woah there tangent. woah).

i wanted to continue to travel with my brown leather friends, but they wouldn’t stay on my feet.

but who says that sandals need to stay on your feet in order to travel with you?

these sandals have new life.

and i like to think that fezzik gets better gas mileage now, or at least he’s much, much happier.

about a month ago i taught at my local gathering and used the photos that quite a few people sent in for a community photo project. greg generously offered to host the video on his .mac account. if you are interested, go here to watch the teaching.

thanks to everyone who sent in a photograph. look for your photo on the screens.

and oh yes, that is a cardigan.

and chances are that as you’re reading this, i’m wearing it.

– i am the church teaching –

thanks greg.

hello friends.

(”hello joshua.”)

i thoroughly enjoy christmas. two of many reasons are eh.) at christmas time you need only the excuse of it’s christmas! to get together for a feast/party and bee.) i get to drink eggnog. actually, i drink eggnog all year ’round because it’s stinking christmas in a cup, it’s just that at christmas time people don’t look at me the same way as they do in july when i’m partaking in a nice glass of chilled goodness.

this particular year christmas eve happens to fall on a sunday. we had a staff meeting at my local church gathering where i work to decide what we are going to do this year. staff meetings are fun because we discuss various topics and ideas concerning church function and gatherings. i sit in the room quietly most of the time because typically my ideas are ridiculous. in general. for instance, this party i’m about to explain to you, when we were first discussing it we were trying to come up with a name. i suggested Hooray for Christmas! And Other Festivities That We Shall All Partake In With Joy In Our Hearts And Eggnog In Our Stomachs.

blank stares around the room.

grown ups. whatever. i’m used to it by now.

back to the topic at hand. as i said, christmas eve is on a sunday, so we were discussing whether or not we were going to have a christmas eve service and what it might look like. we decided that yes, we would do something extra for christmas eve. it was suggested that we do a typical service with music and a message and such, and that seemed well and fine, but there seemed to be something more that we had to do. admittedly, we are decent at programs. we knew we could plan out a very decent christmas eve service and have people invite all of their friends who aren’t followers of Jesus and it would be fine and dandy. no feathers ruffled. hour and fifteen minutes. done. success! we did it!

but can’t there be more?

there’s this text that’s always fascinated me in luke. Jesus said when you throw a party (and we all know that Jesus knew how to throw a good party. water into wine? very swank Jesus. very swank…) not to invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors, but rather to invite those who may be down and out on their luck. invite those who might be grateful for a meal at a party. invite those who might not be able to pay you back in any way at all. Jesus said to invite both those who might be in financial need and also those with physical needs.

you know who practically fulfills this passage really well? not us. that’s who.

so we’re doing it, and you’re not invited.

on the 23rd of december (eve squared, because saturday worked better for numerous reasons) we, along with another church gathering called the crossing that meets in our building on saturday nights, are throwing a huge party at grace gathering. my friend brad made neat flyers which we’ve passed out to local communities around our area to people who might not typically get to have a huge party at christmas. we’ve sent out flyers to goverment agencies, soup kitchens, assisted living communities, and other various places that we think would appreciate a feast. we’ve asked our family at grace to pitch in by providing tons of glorious food, set up, tear down, clean up, music (3 bands throughout the night), bonfires, and plenty of eggnog so that this will be a $0 cost to the attendees.

and there’s no agenda.

we’re not having a message from the stage. we’re not handing out tracks. we’re not singing worship songs. we’re not presenting the gospel (at least not in the way that it’s typically defined). we’re simply throwing a party. maybe you could say that the agenda is love. yes.

like i said, you’re not invited….

unless you want to come help.

if you’re reading this from your own personal computer in your home or at a coffee shop where you bought your triple decaf soy no whip grande venti supersize me latte with sprinkles, then chances are that you’re not the person that we’re throwing this party for, in general. this party isn’t specifically for our local family to invite their “unsaved” friends to either, but rather it’s for our family to invite their friends that they think might be struggling a bit this holiday season and might appreciate a good, free meal. it’s for the communities i’ve described above. we think that this is what Jesus might want for His birthday. we think He’d be thrilled with a huge party.

we could be wrong, but we think we’re right. booya.

if you happen to be in the midwest general area (indiana, ohio, illinois, michigan, kentucky, canada, france. wherever), then you are welcome to come and volunteer your time/food/juggling abilities/eggnog. we would love to have you. i can even arrange for you a place to stay with a family in our gathering. it would be splendid. but like i said, if you want to come, then we’d like you to volunteer in one of a few possible areas. email me (thelongbrake@gmail.com) if you are interested. it will be fun. promise.

*disclaimer: please don’t get me wrong if you think i’m saying that a traditional christmas eve service is wrong in any way. it is not. it is good. i’m just saying that it’s not what we’re doing. if you’re upset or disappointed that we aren’t having a traditional service then i would be more than happy to draw you a map to various other gatherings who are having a service that sunday evening (as far as i know). i would even go with you, since i appreciate them as well.

in fact, here you go:
(click to biggify)