So.

I’ve had a few changes in my life in the past few months. I’ve made a list.

-Left family and friends in Indiana
-Quit my job
-Drove across the country for a month
-Moved to Seattle
-Began graduate school
-Moved into a tent where I am currently living

Life, as it were, has been hectic. Really, really good. But hectic.

I do not intend to ignore you (electronic mail, telephone calls, etc.) or this little web space by any means. I have so much I want to write about and have taken so many photographs as to convey ideas….it’s just that I need to breathe for a minute.

So if I have not returned an email or a phone call, then I deeply apologize.

And I am sorry for not writing as much as I would like to on this space.

I promise that goodness is coming.

Of the few things I feel I have begun to learn in the last year, one of the most profound to me has been this: It is ok to suffer. It ok to be in the midst of pain and hurt and to simply sit under it. I (and you) do not have to push the everything is fine appearance all the time. I have discovered that covering up pain and burying it can be altogether much more detrimental to my soul in the long run. And because of this, I must not only accept pain, but in some way embrace it.

She would have been 56 today.

She is terribly witty. She loves the stage, playing different characters, and making others laugh. She used to read the paper and her bible every day and sip on tea at the table in the morning. She has beautiful left-handed cursive, the kind that all right-handed people secretly wished they had. She took me and my sister to Taco Bell all the time and would say that she went because the kids loved it, but we all knew better.

I miss her desperately, but I know that she’s alive, more now than ever before.

Happy Birthday Mom.

We should have a meal together, you and I. We should discuss your life, where you’ve been and where you’re going, or maybe, where you’d like to go. We should go to your absolute favorite café or restaurant and discuss the complexities of relationship or the joys of travel, or maybe why you’re reading what you’re reading and why others should read it as well.

The conversation pieces are infinite.

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As of yesterday I am unemployed (although I sort of worked today getting these photographs I took printed in 2 foot by 8 foot format and hanging them in our building with Brad):

My time has ended (or just begun?) at Grace Gathering. It has been a humbling and wonderful year leading worship for our community. I have learned more at this place than I ever could have in a classroom or in a book. I will write about this another time.

But now it’s time to move to Seattle for grad school.

Around August 5th-ish I’ll be heading down to Nashville to meet up with a few authors, then heading west to New Mexico for my friend’s wedding which I am in (I am oddly comfortable in formal wear), and then ambiguously making my way northwest with no certain direction or purpose except to get to Washington by late August.

One month to see the West, however that turns out. The states I’ll maybe/probably/? pass through are as follows:

I made most of that up. Basically I need to be in TN at one point, NM at another, and then Seattle. So everything other than that is up in the air.

And I’d love to meet you, if you’d like.

Now I know that it might be weird for you to meet a complete stranger, but I can promise you that I will smell acceptable for it’s quite possible that I will have showered within 2 days of our meeting each other.

There are a few downsides to a trip like this: it’s hard to set things in stone. But I will do my very best to meet up with as many of you that would like to get together. I will be in a bit of a tight budget, but maybe we could go to a market and buy some cheese and bread and eat like kings and queens.

On a side note, if you have a spare couch that you wouldn’t mind opening up to a bearded young man driving a Honda to sleep on, then I would gladly accept. I’m going to bring my tent with me, so hopefully I will be able to avoid staying in any hotels. And I will say that I love to bestow small gifts on those who are willing to take me in for the night. It’s customary and the right thing to do.

Of course, throughout the trip I will be blogging and twittering and flickring as I go. Feel free to travel along via the web.

So: if you are in any of those areas on the map and you have an interest in having a meal together then please let me know via comment or email or even mobile phone. I think this could be a really fantastic road trip, pending on whether or not my Honda can make it. Let’s stay positive.

What will this year, my 25th year (yes, I am 24), have in store? I already know (ish) that I’ll be moving to Seattle, going to school, going to Europe (Ireland this time), and a slue of other little things that are of great importance to me but wouldn’t matter to you so much.

Bring on the new season.

A glimpse into the future.

Today I’m driving to Ohio to see my Grandfather in his Memorial Day parade. He’s a WWII veteran and is still kickin’. He also has a few 3-Wheeler ATVs on his 108 acre tree farm. The likelihood of me getting hurt is high to quite high. Totally worth it. I’ll be sure to bring my camera.

Mid-June: Mexico to do VBS music for kids in a village. Viva la Longbrake. And fish tacos. Boy do I love fish tacos.

Late July: Canada. Northern Ontario to be more specific. My dad and I try to get up there to go fishing together every year or so. We stay on an island in a cabin with no electricity for about a week.

August: To the left. To the left. Taking a month to drive west to Seattle before I start school. I’ve already made contacts with a few people to stop and see along the way, but if you live west of Indiana then it’s possible that I might be in your state at some point. We should share a meal. You should also let me sleep on your floor. I’ll bring you a gift. Promise. (More on this to come.)

Early October: Ireland. Leading worship at a retreat for missionaries from around the world. I’m sure my grad school profs are going to love me telling them that I’m leaving class. So it is.

Seasons of life. This season has me on the move. One day I’ll plant my feet somewhere.

Maybe.

Are You there in the void? Do You hear me in the silence?

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Here are photos from the last few days. I’ve been teaching photography for two days to two different groups of kids. Today and tomorrow we’re holding small workshops on blogging. All of them have blogs. They are one of the primary ways they can communicate with friends and family back in the States as well as friends all over Europe. Aubrey Peth, my new friend and travel companion, is doing multiple art workshops. Yesterday they were creating art with water balloons filled with paint. I got paint on my camera from getting too close to the canvas. Totally worth it. Adds character.

Aubrey throwing a paint balloon at the makeshift canvas. Art is exploration.

Haley and Brennan got really creative with they photography. She’s taking a photo of him while he’s taking a photo in the middle of a jump. Dare devil photography at its finest.

We set all of our cameras on the ground, set the timers, and ran away.

Nate Hughes is the one responsible for me and Aubrey being here.

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I’ve been talking to a few friends this week about God’s calling. I have the utmost respect for people who give away their lives to serve others, both domestically and internationally. All of the people at this conference work for Josiah Venture and live in Eastern Europe. (Plug: If you’re looking to spend a summer abroad to work with teens, then do check out Josiah Venture. I’ve spent quite a bit of time here with JV and I guarantee that it will mess you up for the rest of your life. Plus you’ll meet Nate, and that in and of itself is worth the trip. He may even play a little game with you we like to call Shirt On/Shirt Off.)

The other night Nate, Kenric and I were sitting around a table talking about our futures. All of us are single, Kenric lives in Slovakia, Nate and Czech, and I live in the States. There are so many unknowns for all of our lives. Will they live in Europe the rest of their lives? Will I live in the States the rest of my life? Will we get married? Be single? Does God have a specific plan for us? Or is it vague?

We talked in depth about certain issues that had significance in all of our lives. I could easily say that God allowed me to come over here this week specifically for this holy moment in time.

There’s something my father has been telling me for years that never really sank in until that conversation with Kenric and Nate. Dad says that generally God calls us to a way, not a place. He calls us to live a certain life. We don’t typically get burning bushes or pillars of fire to tell us where to go geographically. God has yet to send me and SMS regarding grad school. It’s hard to admit that I’m still a bit nervous regarding whether or not I’m supposed to go to school. Kenric and Nate are unsure about their futures often. All three of us want to be open handed, but also we would love it if God sent that SMS.

But it’s not always like that, is it?

Sometimes God seems silent.

That’s why I think my dad is right. God has called me to a way, and not necessarily a place. God has called me to live in fullness. He has called me to be a part of furthering His kingdom and His kingship. He has called us to live lives in which light pours out from our very being. It seems that whenever I’ve had a major decision in my life, there’s always been 2 parts to that decision. Rarely is only one option. When I was trying to figure out what to do after college, my heart was torn between moving to Eastern Europe to work with Josiah Venture or to go to Mars Hill Grad School. Both seemed like good choices. God seemed silent.

But I think He simply wanted me to go. Just go. He never told me specifically that He wanted me to go to grad school and not to Eastern Europe yet, if at all. But I do know that He said go, in a very ambiguous and yet genius sort of way. I felt as though He was saying Wherever you go, there I’ll be. We’ll go there together. And I can tell you that I found a peace in that. I decided on grad school right now because it was the deepest desire of my soul. I love academia and I really want to develop my character and my mind in that setting.

And after I made my decision, I felt peace. I believe that He’ll go with me, wherever I choose. He always does.

so last night it snowed a tad.

i was out and about all night visiting some friends while the snow epidemic was occurring. side note: the local news, in general, is desperately looking for a story…everyone’s local news, not just ours. if you were to watch our local news last night you would have thought the world was ending or that hilary clinton had been voted president (side side note: i have a Hilary ‘08 t-shirt coming in the mail as i type. and now you’re wondering is he serious? how should i take this?? oh the mystery.). all of the reporters were in a frenzy at the precipitation falling from the sky. “it’s snowing! don’t drive! don’t leave your house! don’t breathe! ahhhhhhhhh!!!”

i left my friend’s house at about 10 p.m. to make the 20ish minute trek back home.

i didn’t make it home.

i ended up getting stuck in a snow drift that was above my hood. whoops. but out of nowhere (seriously. out of the black abode and the white storm) came a man in a huge carhartt outfit with a giant shiny shovel of salvation. i rolled down my window and said how thrilled are you to see me stuck out here at 10:30 tonight. this is exactly how you wanted to spend your next hour. admit it. he smiled and said he’d help shovel me out. so for the next half hour or so we went forward and reverse and forward and reverse until i wiggled my car free. that man was incredibly kind. his name is larry. if you ever meet larry from bescanson, indiana then please give him a huge hug for me and then run away as fast as you possibly can without saying a word. that would be humorous.

i stayed at matthew & jeanne’s house, some friends who have a son named isaiah but they call him izilla, which is awesome. they were generous enough to give me shelter and some delicious cheesy eggs for breakfast. after we shoveled their driveway in the morning i left to try to make my way home. this is how the road looked in the beginning:

not bad at all i thought to myself. i should be fine.

then i got to my next turn, or rather where the next turn should have been.

errrr…right. that is not what i was hoping for at all.
there’s an alternate route to my house, so i headed down the road to take the back way. lucky for me it was clear, but i saw that the snow had left a path of destruction for this friendly VW:

why, God? what did that poor little bug do to you? oh. engine in the back, trunk in the front? oh. i had no idea you didn’t like that. fair enough.

i finally made it to my house…in a sense. it was a bit difficult to actually make it up my driveway. but am i going to let snow in my socks stop me? yes. of course. yes, normally i would. but there was no option at this point.

i spent the next few hours with a tractor, a snow plow, and a shovel. it was grueling but rewarding. one feels very accomplished after finishing such a project.

one also gives himself the title of SHOVEL KING!, punctuation included. bring it on, father winter.

deep breath. in. out. again. in. out.

there is a rhythm to breathing. it’s as if there is something built deep within us, inside our subconscious, to be rhythmic. you don’t have to think about it. you don’t have to try. you simply are. in. out. in. out.

it has been taught to me, and i have seen it, that there are rhythms to life built naturally within us. a certain teacher talks often of a 6 and 1 rhythm in God, and therefore in us as well. 6 on, 1 off. interestingly enough, i’ve even been taught that zoologists have discovered and seen a 6 and 1 rhythm in animals as well.

i’m reading a book right now called the sabbath by rabbi abraham joshua heschel. in it he talks about the rhythmic life of a Jew, how every friday night at dusk they, as a family, sit down for a dinner together and begin the process of observing the sabbath. without fail. every friday. from friday sundown to saturday sundown they do no work, but only what fills them up. puts them back together.

this rhythm is essential. studying these ideas has pushed me to see what other rhythms i have in my life, what rhythms do i lack, and how i begin the road to becoming the most whole person possible. what are the things i do regularly that are not life-giving? what things do i do that give life? make me whole? what are things i see throughout history that have given people life? these are the things i want.

there are seasons in my life when the phrase everything feels out of control runs too often through my head. anxiety surrounds me. i feel like i’m going from one stress-filled situation to the next, just trying to survive until i can lay down to sleep that night. i absolutely hate that feeling. i can’t stand it.

as i continue to try to find what makes me whole, i thought i’d share a few rhythms i have that i’ve found to be life-giving, and therefore i believe to be of God.

-run _ there is a rhythm to running. being healthy is part of being whole. i started getting into running in early high school and then got addicted in college. i have found running to be, for me, so refreshing. i can clear my head and just put one foot in front of the other at whatever pace i feel like for that day.

-fast _ my friend tony and i are trying to fast once a week for a month to see if it gives life. i don’t quite understand what it is about depriving your body of food, but there is an awareness i have when i fast. i feel as though i see things more clearly and that my communication with God is more direct and honest. fasting is something i’ve ignored for a long time because i’ve used the exuse that i don’t understand it, and therefore shouldn’t practice it. poor choice. as i practice this rhythm i feel God giving me insight into why he designed it into the plan.

-bow _ i have this rug in my office. well, actually it’s a blanket i bought on the street in mexico, but i folded it into a rug of sorts. every morning (i should say almost every morning…some mornings i have failed to do so) when i go into my office i turn on my lamp, set down my pack, and bow. i pray for numerous things every morning, but there is something powerful in bowing to God. i read through numerous places in scripture of times when God showed up in some form or another to see how people reacted. if i believe that i can go into the presence of God then i want to respond appropriately. i found that time and time again people fall on their faces and on their knees. there is an awe and a silence that is consistently there. i want that rhythm in my life. when i enter the age to come i want to have knees that are prepared to be in His physical presence.

-photography _ this may seem a little more abstract (puns!) to you, but shooting photographs on a regular, rhythmic basis gives me a new perspective. i figure that if i feel more full of life when i do it then it must be something that God enjoys as well. i bet He is an incredibly good photographer. He should totally make a website. i’d put it in my bookmarks. i would.

-read _ my friend and i, for awhile, read 5 chapters a day of scripture for an entire year. after we finished reading front to back we started doing these ‘emersions’, as we call it, where we read a shorter book every day for anywhere from 23 days in a row to an entire month. one month we’d do philippians. then another month we’d do one timothy. then we’d do john in sections. i have fallen away from this rhythm in some ways and i’m trying to regain it again.

-walk _ i love walking everywhere i can. it gives me time to think and it saves money on gas and such. i try to walk as often as i can. but i need new shoes. buy me new shoes.

-stealing from small children _ don’t judge me.

i know that these things (sans the stealing) seem small, but they are huge to me. they are changing my life. every day feels more rhythmic, more in tune with how God designed me to be.

whatever it is in your week that gives you life, do it more and more. find the things that make you more whole and more you. find the things that you think God would enjoy doing as well and make them a rhythmic pattern in your life. God wants you to be whole and full of life. and so do i.

(warning: a bit of sarcasm ahead. if you do not take to sarcasm much then please go here. you will find peace.)

and we’re off.

ºthe time i spent at [isn't she beautiful?] was insightful and filled with rest. it’s interesting because usually i don’t really enjoy large conferences (the bigger the group, the more introverted i become). also, christian conferences tend to be filled with people wearing t-shirts that make me throw up a little bit in my mouth. minor issue. this conference, to my delight, was surprisingly different. i found the people who attended to be really down to earth. people came up to me at random to converse, asking where i was from and why i was sitting alone. it was nice. also a few people came up and said, “hey, aren’t you that guy from the internet?” to which i replied, “that’s a bit vague and kind of scary”. it ended up that a few people who submitted photos to the i am the church project were there as well as a few people who somehow or another got to this site. (hello vineyard in cincinnati. hello mercy house in anderson. hello county line in auburn. hello brad pitt…..you know this site is your homepage, brad). here were a few of my takeaways from the conference:

>>the Church, in my opinion, for the most part exists for the world outside its walls. it’s not about getting people to our gig w/ flash and flare, but it’s about being Jesus to the world, to our community, and to our families. mars hill is refreshingly simple. it’s obvious that they are not trying to get people in the doors with their programs and flyers and lights. quite the contrary. they are getting people in the doors because they are loving people, both in their city and around the world.

>>rob bell is tall.

>>there are no limits on creativity. i’m going to fail. it’s inevitable. the real failure would be in not trying because of a fear of failure. so i’m going to try. i’m going to get back into my songwriting. i’m going to try new styles of photography. i’m going to write more and edit a bit less (a bit).

>>i’ve read on the internets that some people didn’t like the conference because it was so simple in its presentation. if you went to [isn't she beautiful?] to be entertained then you missed the point and probably shouldn’t have gone in the first place. someone could have used your seat. booya.

ºevery time i try to ford the freaking river i get herpes or chlamydia or a serious rash. one time my stupid raft got constipation and decided that it had had enough. how apropos i thought as i sank in the middle of the river. stupid oregon trail.

ºi can’t wait for every season that isn’t winter. i went to wash my car the other day at one of those self-serve car washes. a.) my hand froze to the handle and b.) the water, the very second it hit my car, turned to ice. seriously. i basically shot ice at my car. when i turned the knob on the machine from ’soap’ to ‘rinse’, the machine, in much the same way as my raft, got constipation and died. awesome. i was left with a car covered in frozen soap.

ºi have xm radio. it’s the best radio. ever. sometimes i listen to the pop stations to see what the kids are listening to these days. usually those stations are playing justin timberlake or justin timberlake or justin timberlake or nickleback or justin timberlake. sometimes they play justin timberlake, which is refreshing after so much justin timberlake. but the other day i turned it on and there was a beautiful melody in my ears. it was beyonce. it was surprisingly wonderful and not-too-catchy so that i’d wake up the next morning singing it and want to tear my ears off. and i found out that yes, i am not irreplaceable, and i’m ok with that.

to the left. to the left.