So that happened.
July 10th, 2009Some context:
The graduate school I attend is largely composed of counseling/psychology students who are studying to become therapists. I am in the theology program, in which there is an emphasis on the integration of theology and psychology. Everyone at the school goes through what are essentially group therapy classes (as well as individual) where we learn to sit with one another, hear well, read people’s stories and affect, all with the hope of speaking well into each other’s lives. Inevitably, this sort of environment is rather emotional. There are times when the beauty of someone’s life, where they’ve come from and where they are presently, shines brightly. Other times, well, let’s just say that everyone has their shit, right? And the proverbial fan is spinning.
Outside of the school walls, I live in a house with 5 other guys, 3 of which have graduated from the psychology program and are practicing in one form or another. Most of my friends are studying psychology. Most of my friends are in therapy. I’m in therapy. Kleenex adores us and should provide scholarships.
If there is a word to summarize, it is process. Speaking for myself, these past two years have been one hell of a process. School has been wonderful and awful. It rains in Seattle sometimes. I fell in love, got engaged, the engagement fell apart, and now I am single. That last sentence, in and of itself, is absolutely absurd, and I say that because I do not take it lightly at all. It’s such a small sentence and I wrote it quickly, but is not possible for me to accurately articulate what it fully entails in a space like this, nor do I really want to attempt it. It is my story. The laughter and the tears are for me and my friends to share.
It’s easy for me to look back at the last year specifically and see both blessings and curses. They are inseparable. Some days are wonderful and I feel tremendous amounts of hope for who I am and where I’m going. Other days that damn proverbial fan spins out of control.
In reflecting on the joy and the pain I say to myself, “So that happened.” For some reason that normalizes life for me, to admit that yes, this year has been tremendously difficult as well as having its wonderful moments, and I can sit here and say that I’m doing well. I’m still breathing, waking up each morning believing that every day is some sort of miracle. I do not say it with a dismissive tone, because to me saying so that happened is being honest with the realities of life.
Stories are filled with complexities, and mine is no different. The complexities have taught me to create boundaries, to learn to be kind to myself, to slow down and breathe well. Again, miracles.
In August I’m going to Thailand and Malaysia (Hi Rachel!) for 10 days as a gift to myself. Honestly, I need it. I need to take photographs all day long, read Annie Dillard and Hélène Cixous on the beach, and eat wonderful, wonderful food. I was debating between Thailand and Iceland, having wanted to go to both places for awhile, and my buddy Will asked, “Well, do you like Thai food or ice?”
“Thai food,” I answered.
“Me too.”
I don’t believe in new beginnings because we can’t leave our stories behind and start brand new ones. We carry what we’ve experienced into each new day. But I do believe in healing and I do believe in redemption. I believe in new chapters. Thank God for new chapters. May we all have them and be able to look back well at the chapters in the past and say to ourselves, “So that happened.”
i have been going through a similar (but completely different circumstances… i lost my job four months ago, amongst other things) level of uncertainty and radical changes where i often must remind myself that i’m still alive, i’m still blessed, life is good, but it’s ok to cry.
thank you for writing this, it was what i needed today.
and i hope you have an amazing and safe trip.
I found your blog a few years ago while in the midst of the most difficult year of my life. Back then, I copied down these words of yours and I still keep them ready to hand. I thought I’d give them back to you:
“I hope that tonight you realize that somehow, in someway, you made it to where you are. Somehow you will make it to tomorrow and it will be full of grace. I hope that your journey of grace will be filled with new people and new experiences that break your paradigm of God and move you towards the knowledge that God loves you and actually likes you.”
I just want to thank you so much for this blog post, it really helped me to think about the way I think about events and the big “WHY?”.
Sometimes we think we’re the only person that something could happen to, such as we’re going through, but then we have to remind ourselves that there are most probably other people that are or have been in similar circumstances and have made it through in some way or another. A bible verse that particularly comes to mind is Romans 8:28 which says, “all things work together for good to them that love God”!
Thanks once again for the blog post, I’ve just subscribed to the rss feed too.
Or bookmarked it I should say. Do you have an rss feed available?
Falling in love is something many experience, and for things to not work out changes us much.
you make me glad
i’ve been saying similar things about a season of my life that ended right before yours. “so that happened”
i’m a part of a wedding this weekend for the first time since “all that” and i must admit i wondered how i would feel, but i am only more thankful to be done with that chapter of life so i can be more hopeful about what i am heading towards [whatever, wherever that is]. sometimes it just works and i love everything about celebrating for my friend. i also love knowing that i will appreciate the time in life when love does look like i imagine it will [if i get to experience it in the way of marriage] and i know i will be all the more thankful and grateful that i was once wrong about what i wanted.
have an amazing time traveling.
i am so encouraged by your writings. thank you.
I’m so sorry for your breakup. In the words of theologian William Smith, “Ain’t no pain like from the opposite sex.”
Thanks for sharing yourself with us.
Cheers. And I can’t wait to see/hear about your travels to the Far East.
Therapy is a wonderful thing, yes? Everyone should try it :)
i love thai food and i love you.
Anna C i mean to put ANNA C!!!
i’m ridiculously glad you resurrected this blog. your honesty is tremendous. there are people in this world who appreciate you more than you know…
thanks.
thank you for sharing. thank you for putting words to the things that my feelings can’t articulate. it brings hope to my happening life. so life happens. keep breathing.
thailand will be amazing! thank you for sharing some of your beautiful spirit with us.
thanks for sharing. its been a rough season of life for me as well and its encouraging to read about others normalizing their life through difficult and sometimes tragic times. hope thailand is for you what greece was for me.
Wow. 1) I’ve always appreciated your way with words. Deep. Honest. A huge amount of content in short, meaningful space. Thank you.
2) I’ve been out of touch too long. YOU’RE GOING TO THAILAND WHEN I’M NOT THERE?!?!? But it’s alright. Cuz you’ll be back. You don’t know it yet, but you will. Will is a wise man, & obviously knows his cuisine. Funny thing is, that’s almost exactly what I asked Matthew when he told me you weren’t sure which place you’d head. Let me know if you want any advice on the best bungalows & coffee in the country…
Hello, it really interesting, thanks