Conflict
July 7th, 2007
When the last thing you want to do is write, that is when you should write.
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I’ve been very frustrated with Paul as of late. The writer, not the actor in Cool Hand Luke. I’m sure you were confused until I clarified.
I am not a confrontational person. In fact, I will go very far out of my way to avoid conflict, even as far as Ohio. If you know me then you know that to be true. I do not like tension in social situations; honestly I don’t particularly like social situations in general. I could very easily slip away into obscurity with a book, maybe some good music, a pot of Folgers, and a Moleskine with which to jot little notes to myself that I will probably never use, like quotes from NPR interviews or detailed descriptions of how the room smelled a particular shade of calm that day.
And let’s not even talk about relationships. Let’s talk about relationships. One time when I was dating a girl in college I practically broke up with myself to escape the awkwardness of the relationship. There’s an incredible amount of pressure in the beginning stages of a dating a girl to do things well and with class. Class is not my middle name. (NOTE TO SELF IN MOLESKINE: make your son’s middle name literally “class”.) I fumble with my words. I sweat in awkward amounts. I try to act in a way that is sophisticated and impressive like Steve McQueen but it always ends up coming out like not Steve McQueen. More like Steve Martin but without the charm, so actually not like Steve Martin at all. Basically I am very awkward.
This tendency to avoid conflict is not a strength, at least I’m told that it isn’t. I can read a lot of the Scriptures and not feel uncomfortable because some of it doesn’t involve conflict. James, for instance, doesn’t upset me at all. He seems very practical and peaceful. I think that James and I would be very good friends. But then I read other portions of Scripture and I get upset, even a little mad at times, at what some of the authors say. I usually feel bad for this.
Paul, in my opinion, said some really hard things to accept. Lots of people say they believe things because the Bible says so, but I’ve always had some trouble with believing an idea simply because someone wrote it down. I’m not saying that I doubt the validity of Scripture or it’s divine inspiration, but things aren’t always as black & white to me as they are to other people.
And so Paul has been frustrating me, and maybe that has come out of lack of understanding, or maybe because he seems so confident, and I rarely feel confident about much at all. Some of the things he wrote about women absolutely baffle me. Some texts we seem to take quite literally, but the phrases and commands around them we don’t follow as a whole. He wrote with authority in his literary voice. Spirituality holds the greatest mysteries within its foundations, and so any sort of writing with authority has always had this stigma to it. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just difficult to swallow at times.
So I’ll read Paul and I’ll get frustrated. Maybe at him. Maybe at myself. I don’t think that’s all that important.
But then Paul goes and writes something beautiful like
And now I will show you the most excellent way…
(That is my favorite line in all of the Scriptures.)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
And then I’ll think to myself Where did that come from?
It is as if a voice of grace calls out to me, a voice of patience that asks me simply to be and to wade through the things I find difficult, and to trust that it’s all under control. Yes there is conflict, but it’s going to be ok. Tomorrow is still going to come.
Love will always be a redeemer for me. It somehow brings me back from tension to a place of peace, in much the same way that a certain aroma can take you back in your memory to your childhood to a very specific moment and space, where cares were less and trust was more.
Tags: spirituality
I was talking recently with a loved one about this. It seems there is so much about our faith that is hard to swallow, I find that I cling to things I understand; hope, love, justice, peace, etc…
I think embracing the full spectrum of God’s character would be quite a task, for anyone.
I think it’s interesting that you find Paul to be more confident than yourself. He does sound confident on paper, but so do you.
Another beautiful post, Josh. Thank you again for being so honest.
I also struggle with some things that others seem to get straight away…for example how Jesus never gives a straight answer!
@melody: i’m confident about very little, but i suppose i do write about that very little quite often.
Joshua,
Thanks for writing this post… It’s encouraging to know that I’m not the only one who has a hard time swalling what the scriptures say at times. I think I grew up in a culture where you had to believe everything because well, it’s the Bible. You just believe it - no questions asked. I’m glad to see someone else asking some of the same questions…
I also appreciate your honesty at times. I’d agree with Melody. You do seem rather confident in your thoughts at times, and I would never have expected you to want to avoid social situations - especially considering the amount of people you meet and interact with.
Sometimes, even if it’s only through a blog like this, it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone in thought and nature.
Yeah, I think that’s when you really start fleshing out your faith - when you begin to have real, important questions and have to make ‘hear and now’ daily decisions on your own, not just based on what you’ve been told or heard. I’ve really been appreciating more and more (no matter how cliche it may sound) that Christianity is about a relationship - not just relating one on one with God but with what He says in His word and grappling with it - no matter how sticky it may get.
And the thing is, we are the same way with the real people in our lives when they may rub us the wrong way - we just figure out a way to work with or around the dissonance we may feel due to who they are or what they may say or do because not always can it, or will it ever be “resolved” in this lifetime. Which in itself is not always an easy thing to swallow.
First of all, I find pure delight in reading your posts. I am very amused by your writing and as a general fact, I have been known to quietly giggle out loud while reading it. Luckily I am usually at home :)
Secondly, I appreciate your thoughts, written out for others, which in their honesty, provoke myself to challenge my own thoughts. Recently, I’ve been reading through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and I came across a section titled “Questions.”
“A Christian doesn’t avoid the questions; a Christian embraces them. In fact, to truly pursue the living God, we have to see the need for questions. Questions are not scary. What is scary is when people don’t have any. What is tragic is faith that has no room for them…Questions, no matter how shocking or blasphemous or arrogant, or ignorant or raw are rooted in humility. A humility that understands that I am not God. And there is more to know.”
We’re supposed to find things in scripture difficult and challenging. That is sometimes what attracts me to certain passages. The fact that I don’t fully understand them or know what exactly to do with it.
Thanks for writing. Sorry about the long comment. You probably have a great book and a cup of coffee waiting.
michelle
Josh,
I’ve been silently reading your posts for a while now and though several of them have hit home, this one really hits on the mark. Recently engaged, I’ve been discovering how hard it is to live out 1 Cor 13, and often lose sight of the bigger picture, the more important things and have recently found myself conflicted with myself. Thanks for the reminder to trust more. I think for me it is an issue, not of caring less, rather caring differently.
This is one of my favorite posts. It was beautiful.
Great post. Love the quote: “When the last thing you want to do is write, that is when you should write.”
I too wrestle with God much the same way while reading the Scriptures. I’ve been in the book of Job for months now - and I still cannot find a satisfying reason why God responded to Job the way He did, or why he allowed such devastation to occur in his life. God seems so unconcerned about his plight, and more concerned about Him being the seen for the Big Powerful God that He is. I’m trying to find love, grace, and peace in it somewhere - but I’m having trouble. God is mysterious. He confounds my heart, mind, and soul sometimes. Trust… how little we (I) really trust a God we can’t fully comprehend.
Thanks for being honest - it has opened me up a little more to wrapping myself around the complexities of God - and to open myself up to trust Him - even when I am a cynic.
I think that Paul is one of the ultimate leaders/apostles (in gifting). He’s called to be who he was for a reason. Not everyone could be that, and most didn’t understand him even at the time (timothy always had to pick up the pieces)
“um… here’s what he meant”
But he had to establish by bluntness what he did.
Always been my Paul thoughts
Dave
Man, i totally understand what you’re saying.
I wish my middle name was Class too! What Paul writes there really is amazing.
Great photographs here, and great writing too. As a film buff myself I love the McQueen and Martin references. But you drive a great point home with lighthearted and insightful writing.
So… I’m with Melody & Tory. Josh, I think you’re like the wizard in the Wizard of Oz. (Where is she going with this one?) I think this blog is kind of like your curtained room. You do like to stir up conflict. You just want to do it in a less face-to-face manner. You’re constantly tweaking trying to get people to think. Otherwise… I mean… do you read your blog? Maybe you’re more like Paul than you realize. And I’m glad to say I think God has been showing you how to live out his grace in the midst of all that, too. It really seems like your heart has been getting softer for those whose opinions you oppose of late. I think God more and more is giving you his eyes to see the people around you with.
We’re going to miss you soon brother.
J-
I too have always had so many questions on how the society in Paul’s time mirrored ours; and how that would make his teachings relevant to now. For the past few weeks I’ve been listening to the Mars Hill podcast from last summer where they went throught 1 Corin. in about 20 sermons. It’s incredible!! Some of Mark Dricoll’s points popped into my head while reading your post. You should check it out :)
-Theresa
I understand. I hate conflict. More than that, I despise confrontation. This has a lot to do with the way I was raised…you didn’t say anything about your feelings until they built up, you exploded, and then everyone was expected to get over it and move on like nothing happened.
Right now I’m in a living situation where I’m learning that conflict and confrontation don’t have to be bad if handled in the right way…out of love and humility instead of anger. I’m learning not to be so passive.
I think Jesus likes that. I think that’s His way. He was confrontational, but it was always out of love.
are you compiling all this into book form yet? because I would buy it if you did.
p.s. did my last email forever ago weird you out? some emails don’t require responses, but i’m just checkin.